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Wednesday, 23 February 2011

The Collapsing Vagina

Before I start this story I must quickly describe the small Scottish village I was brought up in. The village was beautiful, surrounded by hills and had that warm veil of purity that snuggled it in a protective manner. However, usually purity is only skin deep and underneath lies a tainted masquerade of sordid tales. My village was no different but at the same time very different, very different. An example would be the mad Professor who lived in the castle at the foot of the hills, his home was split up into his family living quarters and the rest of the building was an Old Folks home. One day a worker of the Old Folks home heard about his new invention.....he was (honestly) building a time machine and had went to Russia to get a red ruby to make it work. I really hope he succeeded, good on him.
    Anyway back to the real story. I would have been 9yrs old  and I was glued to a wild life documentary on the T.V. Like a typical boy I was 10inches away from the screen, legs crossed and using both palms as a chin support. The Documentary was about wolves, it was fascinating, especially the part about mating. The wolf pounced on the female (wolf, of course) as she pretended to be surprised! It's not like she couldn't smell his hormones a mile off. Well the wolves started the usual and I apologise for the term....doing it Doggy. Then the male wolf tried to pull out of the female and he couldn't. I was amazed!!! The wolf was tugging and howling until he had finished his business and then the female Wolf gentials relaxed. Rewarding him with his bits in tact and freedom.
    After watching this harrowing wolf mating process, I casually turned round to my dad and asked a very simple question: " Can that happen to humans". My father, who was a conservative, logical and honest man. Put down his paper and said yes! It was the story he told that was the surprising part. He explained that a couple that used to live across the road had a similar experience. My dad tip-toed round the specifics of the sex part but explained that the woman's vagina collapsed and her husband got stuck. The couple had to call an ambulance and were eased onto a stretcher ( covered with white sheets). Then wheeled out to the front of the house and placed inside the ambulance. I asked my Dad how he knew this and  he explained everyone had came out of their house too see if they could be of service( since an ambulance meant gossip). Then the oldest lady of our estate (the Queen gossip) had spoken to the driver of the Ambulance, ahhh I went. Then I asked if mum was watching as well and Dad said yes she was wearing slippers. She looked across disapprovingly.

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