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Sunday, 6 March 2011

One Boy and His Balaclava

As a young kid I distinctively remember adults proclaiming that ' school would be the best days of your life', I would agree but in-terms of Primary school. High school on the other hand is the appetiser for the real world, with a side dish of uncontrollable hormones and constant embarrassment. In fact High school is possibly the worst days of your life, the realisation of how anal and illogical the real world is...with social burdens weighing you down into a normal depressing!!! Funny enough by the time you leave school you are desperate to go to University for one simple reason, to act like a care free ' Primary School Kid'. Hence at University you start to develop an insane perception of the world, style your hair like a road-kill and wear hemp-made clothes to symbolise the word 'love'. Sounds very similar to a 6yr old boy who can get away with wearing a Spiderman costume to school, not washing for a week and believing he can fly too the moon in a Tesco cardboard box.............with no-one batting an eyelash.
     Anyway one day at Primary School when I was 7yrs old, a teacher announced at assembly that there was going to be a fun day at the end of the week. All the kids cheered. I didn't because I was more concerned about the pool of piss heading my way from the boy to my left. Luckly the floor was laid down by a drunk and wasn't that even, in-fact it was as smooth as an acne ridden teenager. As I watched the piss hit a pot-hole in the floor ( just beside me), it was re-directed and trickled towards the girl in front of me. Amazed by the twist in events I watched the piss get absorbed by the girls skirt, just enough for her to turn-around and realise the horror!!! I then seized the moment....... I shouted and pointed with my index finger towards the victim and culprate: " Miss we've got TWO", I howled. Once the boy (head down in shame) and the girl ( face red with embarrassment)  were disposed off I was re-allocated to a drier patch of the hall. I asked a friend what the ruckus was about!!! He explained we were having a fun day ( at the end of the week) and it was fancy dress. First thing that came to mind was my Spiderman costume, excellent I thought, climbing the school walls and beating up villains etc.... The teacher then said it was a themed day, we could go as ' tramps or gypsies', ' cops or robbers'. I sighed. Wow how original.
    Later on that day at dinner with the family, I revealed the fun day to them whilst washing down my beef-stew with Irn-Bru. Usually no-one would reply or if they did it consisted of these two words 'thats nice', this time was different!!! Honestly I preferred it when my family didn't get involved! My father leapt up and made everyone help. ' Come on...we need to get Davey dressed like a tramp' my father ordered (whilst giggling). Well I'm glad it was decided that I was a tramp and I had a say in it!!! So my Dad dressed me up in a old tweed jacket of his, put a tartan cap on my head and gave me a glass whiskey bottle filled with cold tea. ' Bravo' my dad went, as the rest of my family circled me like fashion critics....'oh you must go like that' my sisters insisted. My brother said I looked like a ' fanny' and as he got hit over the head by my mum, she said ' please go as a tramp'........I went fine.
     The end of the week came and I got ready for school dressed as a tramp. Walking to my school the old gardener across the road shouted: "like your tartan cap......look... it's like mine". I sighed but didn't have the heart to tell him I was dressed as a tramp! The actual school day was fun, great games, chocolate covered marshmallows and the usual running around aimlessly. Then came the shit part, we had to stand up, explain who we dressed up as and tell a story. I stood up explained I was a tramp, was a little bit tipsy ( swaying from side to side with the glass bottle in my hand) from the whisky and pulled a rubber monster out of my pocket. Explaining the monster was my only friend and that I found him in a bin. The teacher looked at me in a soppy way, like some-one watching a duckling walk on ice ( pathetic), everyone clapped and I sat down. Then the last boy stood up but he didn't look as if he was in fancy dress. The boy quickly pulled a Balaclava over his head and pointed a toy gun at everyone and shouted 'I'm a member of the I.R.A and this is a hold up' then sat down. Everyone clapped ( not understanding what he had said) and  I turned to my friend whispering  ' cool toy gun'. The clapping came to an abrupt end when everyone in the class seen the anger in the teachers face. I have never witnessed a silence like that, all that could be heard (that day) were the crickets outside. The teacher dragged the boy by the scruff of the neck and took him to the headmaster.
     I found out later on that an older boy had told him it would be really funny to pull a stunt like that.....the teacher didn't find it funny and the boy got into so much trouble!!! His parents grounded him for 2 months!!! Anyway the theme at our next 'fun day' was Super-Heroes and I dressed as Spiderman. Karma I thought!!!!